“Why Don’t You Just Adopt?” – Reflections on Surrogacy, Misconceptions, and Community

One of the most common questions I hear as someone walking through infertility and pursuing surrogacy is: “Why don’t you just adopt?” At first glance, it might sound like a practical suggestion. But behind that question lies a deeper misunderstanding of both adoption and surrogacy.

Adoption Is Not a Backup Plan

Over more than a decade of infertility, my husband Daniel and I have walked through countless medical treatments, countless conversations, and countless nights of hope and disappointment. And like many intended parents on this road, we also explored adoption — even visiting an adoption center to learn more about the process.

Because of that, when someone asks, “Why not just adopt?” I don’t feel unsettled. We’ve already thought about it deeply and come to a place of peace. For us, the conviction is clear: adoption is an incredible and valuable choice — but it should never be a substitute or a “backup plan” for people who can’t conceive.

Adoption is its own path, with unique responsibilities, challenges, and a distinct calling. It deserves to be chosen wholeheartedly, for its own sake. And for us, after all the conversations and all the searching, we knew our path was surrogacy. That’s why today we are pursuing our journey in Canada — not because adoption isn’t worthy, but because surrogacy is the way we feel led to build our family.

Why Do People Judge Surrogacy?

If adoption is so beautiful, why do some people judge surrogacy harshly? Why do they say it’s “selfish” or that we “just want our biological child”? I believe much of this comes from misunderstanding. Many people don’t know what surrogacy really entails. They haven’t lived through the silence and ache of infertility, so they underestimate the emotional, physical, and spiritual weight it carries. Some repeat harmful myths — like the idea that infertility is “genetic” and shouldn’t be “passed on.” (Yes, I’ve received comments like that. And no — it simply isn’t true.)

What’s often overlooked is that surrogacy is just another way to build a family — one rooted in love, selflessness, and deep bonds between surrogate and intended parents. A surrogate chooses, with remarkable generosity, to carry a child for someone else. Intended parents commit their hearts and hope into trusting that gift. Together, they create something extraordinary: a journey of sacrifice, trust, and shared love for a child not yet born.

Calling that “selfish” couldn’t be further from the truth.

The Reality of Sharing Online

Since I began sharing our journey more openly online, I’ve experienced both sides of public vulnerability. Some days, I wake up to beautiful messages — from strangers who tell me they were touched by our journey and hope with us that one day we’ll become parents. Those words mean more than they’ll ever know. They lift us on days when hope feels fragile.

Other days, I wake up to comments that sting — people saying I just want attention, or that surrogacy is wrong. Those voices don’t define me, but they remind me how much courage it takes to let the world see something so personal.

And yet, I don’t regret it. Because in sharing, I’ve met incredible people — surrogates, intended parents, and supporters — who remind me again and again that we are not walking this road alone.

The Power of Community

I have come to realize that what truly matters are the voices of love and support. The people who genuinely care about us have never said, “Why not just adopt?” Instead, they’ve encouraged us, stood with us, and reminded us of our worth and our hope.

And then there are the communities — spaces where surrogates, intended parents, and supporters gather. These communities are priceless. They give us room to speak honestly, to comfort one another, and to share strength with people who truly understand.

Closing Thoughts

So when someone asks me, “Why don’t you just adopt?” my answer is simple: because adoption, while beautiful, is not the path we are called to. Surrogacy is.

And that choice is not selfish. It is a choice filled with love, longing, and the desire to nurture life — the very same love that binds all families together, no matter how they are formed.

To everyone who continues to share, support, and raise awareness: thank you. Your voices matter more than you know, and they remind me every day that none of us walk this road alone.

Dawon and her husband Daniel are Hong Kong-based intended parents currently looking to match with a surrogate in Canada. You can find more about their story by visiting their Instagram account or Matching Day profile.